One of those days...

"My life has been one of contrasts..."

(2004 - Frazers Hill with the Vulcan)

On one hand I yearn to be pampered and loved, to be surrounded by friends, old and new, and marvel at life accomplishments.

On the other hand I feel a deep disconnection with my surroundings, I love to be alone, just whisper to the wind, or sit atop a craggy peak in solitude and reflect on my life. I am happy to be alone, only me, the earth and the sky. When I feel contemplative, I find great solace in venturing into the wilderness or listen to the collection of old songs and forget the mess that accumulates in my head.

I am ranting because today was just one of those days, and I am expecting more to go wrong in days to come. And the following weeks' forecast reveals a repeat of bad everything too.

Reunion with the seniors...

Friends we are, forever friends we'll be,

Wherever we are, you're right beside me.

I hope we stay friends 'til the end of time,

And whenever that is, our friendship will still shine.

Standing L-R: Nong, Kak Aini Ramly

Seated L-R: Kak Zaiton, Kak Ani Ismail

A darkened passage...

"Do you know what I am saying when I am not saying anything at all?"

(Masked beauties in Istanbul Grand Bazaar...)

Nobody knows what's going on in my head. And I shouldn't assume that anyone know what I was upset about. We see things differently. Something that annoys me may not mean anything to anyone.

When I am disappointed and annoyed, it’s easy to trap myself into doing what I don’t want to do. The silence creates a sense of abandonment and sadness. But my stone-walling is in no way hinder me from doing what I desire.

There is a darkened passage in my mind
Too frightened to know what I might find,
But every time you look into my eyes
You know my heart never lies...

My ego unravels…

"It takes a long time to build a relationship. But it does not take a second to destroy it..."

(Batang Ai, Serawak)

I am weary. Do not ask why I have become so touchy of words used.

Argument over inconsequential issues, petty matters may lead to a gradual erosion of trust. Most of the time, very often, it was never a case of deliberate act. Instead, it was just a normal gesture. It is quite normal to be cautious. Unfortunately, caution itself can become a handicap when worry grows to a point of extreme which lead me to become defensive. This diminishes my ability to be my own self and be in balance. It can create a state of isolated paranoia to one degree or another.

I am not settling scores or avenging a hurt feeling. In essence, my silent days reflect an injured ego which after a while will not matter much any more.

Kelantan - Life chapters re-written…

'"What happens if the chapters of our lives are rewritten?..."

I was in KB for 3 days to attend YB Ubai’s wedding reception for her eldest daughter. I had the opportunity to meet with many old friends, some I have not met since primary school. I noticed the great change among friends, from cute innocent kids to successful well-mannered adults. For some, the pursuit of happiness, sanity, or even survival, has transformed their lives, for better or for worst. In what ever short time we have, we reminisced of happy days and talked about the search for life contentment in its many forms - financial, emotional, physical and spiritual - and the stories of us striving to come to terms with the lives we lead.

One thing for sure, we accept our lives as given and all things in life are temporary. If going well we should enjoy them, they will not last forever. If going wrong, we don't need to worry much, they can't last long either.

(The pretty grandmamas)

Standing L-R: Aina, Rohaya, Hasnah, Rohani, Ameera, Mahiran, Nashitah, Noriah

Seated L-R: Nong, Nor Aizan, Adilah

(The handsome grandpapas)

L-R: Doc Iskandar, Fakhri, Col Abdul, Nik Hassan, Mustafa

(A garden Party)

L-R: Nong, Hasnah, Nik's son, YB Ubai, Ameera, Nik Kamaliah, Noriah

Yesterday is history…

"The mess on my table is simply a reflection of what’s going on in my mind..."

I am one meticulous person.

When the secretary offered to help clear some files from my table, I declined politely telling her I will do my own spring-cleaning. That was last month. Beginning of week, I started reshuffling papers and rearranging the piles on my table but the stacks were getting higher than before. I certainly don’t have it figured out yet but I am determined to clear the mess.

Pushing hard until I reach my goal is always tough, but quitting is even tougher. And my back is complaining again. While clearing the drawers I found old diaries dated way back in the 80’s. Before end of the day, I gave up and told the secretary direct and unapologetic to leave the mess as is. And I started reading my old diaries from cover to cover.

It’s exciting and satisfying, but I’m not entirely sure why…

One fine lady...

"Life is a mystery. Don't waste time trying to figure it out..."

I was one notorious, naughty girl back then in the hostel. I was always in the black book of the warden and nearly got thrown out of the hostel and the school if not for one “sister’ who protected and took care of me.

Today I met with Kak Aini Ramly my long lost ‘sister’ who I have not seen since 1973. When I heard that she’s in KL for the weekend, I drove to her daughter’s apartment at Danau Kota to meet her for the first time in more than 35 years. I nearly broke down in tears when she hugged me tightly in silence. No words could describe the feelings of that moment. I missed her so much and suddenly realize how this fine lady had helped nurture and mold me to be who I am now.

(Kak Aini - still pretty and sweet)

Our sisterhood was a wonderful relation that was respected and adored. Our friendship knew no boundaries, no discrimination. We shared happiness and sorrow and stood by each other in our worst times too.

Tomorrow's a mystery...

“Life is like the river, sometimes it sweeps you gently along and sometimes the rapids come out of nowhere.” - Emma Smith

I’ve seen the seven wonders,

And the seven seas I’ve sailed through,

In my dreams I’ve walked with the angels,
And I’ve danced with the devils too...

My life is filled with temperament,

As I lived through terrible storms,

Love is my passion, happiness my mission,

My destiny, is something I can’t fathom…

Pahang - Cameron driving endurance…

"I love criticism just so long as it's unqualified praise..." - Sir Noel Coward 

(Equatorial Hotel, Cameron Highlands...)

I nearly broke my back that day.

With my condition, I was at my most vulnerable when we decided to go to Cameron highland to test our driving skills. I have not taken heed of the doctor’s advice at all. The journey through the winding road was disastrous to my body. And look what have I got myself into now? Another week to endure torturous backache. I guess the ‘koyok’ will get permanently stuck to my back to ease the pain.

This morning when I walked into the meeting room with my stiff gait, someone at the back shouted “no meeting, no mating for you puan… kah kah kah”.

Very cheeky!