About Me

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I am married to my loving husband for more than 38 years now. I am a mother to 3 beautiful children, until 11 years ago when I lost my youngest son. Since then my life is forever altered but yet unbroken....

Thursday, 30 September 2010

Living in the moment…

"When we are dreaming alone it is only a dream. When we are dreaming with others, it is the beginning of reality..." - D H Camara

(Dreams are for dreamers...)

I need to be still, and listen to the calling of my own heart.

My work is stressful at times. Often I will find my plate overly full and feel as though I'm drowning. For now I am taking everything in stride. Days when I find myself extremely stressed with work, I try to remind myself that it's going to be over soon. I want to follow my dreams and pursue my passions. Life is far too short to wish I could do things later. I want to do it now so I can at least say I tried. I want to do what I love. It's what makes me tick.

I should be grateful for what is already in my life. Like all else, I am trying to live in the moment…

Monday, 27 September 2010

Never blame the rainbows...

Never blame the rainbows for the rain,
learn to forget the memories that cause you pain…

The sun refused to shine again today, but I am feeling ok…

It was not only the climate that was bad the past few days, dear hubby was feeling under the weather too with his high fever and bleeding nose. Last Saturday we were supposed to go for a 4x4 trip to Ulu Slim and plan to stay overnight at the camp site. The trip was cancelled when we were told that the road to the camp site was made inaccessible. The small bridge was damaged and an attempt to cross the river by any other means may get us stuck in the jungle for days.

On Sunday, the sky was a little cloudy but he was feeling a little better. We decided to drive to Genting Highlands for a fresh mountain air. We had lunch at Awana. The lamb chop and sirloin steak tasted better that the ones served in Lanai Kijang. We had the opportunity to try out my new Nikon D5000 which I have not even had the time to read the manual.

(Coffee House @ Awana Genting)
 (Lamb Chop)
(Sirloin Steak)
(Waiting for the flight)

Sunday, 26 September 2010

Life is a running race...

"The meaning of life is to give life a meaning..."

(Genting Highlands vibrant colors)

Melody Fair

Who is the girl with the crying face,
looking at millions of signs?
She knows that life is a running race,
Her face shouldn't show any line.

Melody Fair won't you comb your hair?
You can be beautiful too.
Melody Fair , remember you're only a woman.
Melody Fair, remember you're only a girl.

Who is the girl at the window pane,
watching the rain falling down?
Melody, life isn't like the rain;
its just like a merry go round...

(The Bee Gees)

Tuesday, 21 September 2010

A distinct sense of déjà vu…

"There is a saying: stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget..."

(Pulau Tioman - 2003)

I am most of the time stupid and at times wise but never naive. I am naturally a compassionate person, void of bitterness. I don't forgive, I just get even.

I suffered a dull sense of monotonous familiarity. An impression of having experienced something catastrophic before. At time like this I wish for my memory to be blank for this memory caused mental disturbances and would again drag me into a sense of helplessness, anger dissolved in the feeling of disbelief. Of being thrown into the abyss of dark pit where not a molecule of cell could survive. Where love replaces hatred, doubt replaces certainty, dream replaces reality. A betrayal of trust, shattering fragile emotions, wiping away precious shared happiness. A life replaced by bottled grief of emotional vacuum.

If this life is to be lived all over again, I would choose another more mundane and ordinary…

Sunday, 19 September 2010

Refocus my energy…

"A poor man is not he who is without a cent, but he who is without a dream..."

I have been thinking and dreaming a lot lately. As the year draws to a close, I am gearing up for my last day in office and it's time for a new beginning.

I have live long enough to encounter my mid-life, a phase I may want to deny but cannot escape. And I am comfortably stuck where I am now.

The mid-way of life is a thoughtful time to be. I am talking as if I am going to live for another 100 years. For all you know, I may die tomorrow! But I guess now is a good time to reflect and refocus my energy. People said that I dream of the impossible. But these dreams are the essence of my happiness.

(Revved up for the road)

I Believe....
That it's taking me a long time
To become the person I want to be...

Thursday, 16 September 2010

Rules to live by…

“Get smart, forever enjoy!”

Given the many rules to live by, they should be pretty philosophical. But I would stick to those simple words written by my favorite teacher in my autograph book, long years ago.

If I could recall and recreate situations in my life, I would bring back the feelings and emotions I had at that time. I realized then, that this is the only life I will ever have. It is my only chance to get it right. The young me was afraid to venture out, to test myself when it comes to my dreams and ambitions. Deep down I knew I have the ability to do more. I was afraid of change, afraid of rocking the boat, afraid of the unknown. Then, I was imagining the worst possible thoughts and feelings I will ever experience in life..

Lead by so many rules to live by, I, so far have lived and will die by norms of behavior that guided my dreams. I am not going to lament on doubts or regrets about how I lived my life and will not bewail the things I wish I would have done better…

(these rules are not mine)

Thursday, 9 September 2010

EID Mubarak Wishes..

A time for joy,
a time for togetherness,
a time to remember HIS blessings..
May the magic of this Eid
bring lots of happiness in our life &
may it fill our heart with love.

(All in the family @ LRP Chalet, Kg Sri Minyak) 

Sunday, 5 September 2010

My feet in the wishing well…

"All that is gold does not glitter; not all those that wander are lost... - J.R.R. Tolkien

What agony have I inflicted on myself now?

Years ago when the children were younger, I reached a cross-road and forced to reflect after going through years of madness, juggling between work and life/love commitments, with months spent in an escalating state of imbalance. I was contemplating to drop everything then, leave the children behind and live alone on a remote island far away from people.

That time I was thinking of something that I wish was different in my life, perhaps with my relationship, my financial, my career, my physical, spiritual, or emotional health. I persevered, and my patience leads me to where I am now.

Whatever I just thought of, how long I have been wishing for it to be different, I am no longer willing to wait for it to be different than it is right now…

(Air Terjun Bekelah - 2007)

Throw down your gun, you might shoot yourself
Or is that what you're tryin' to do?
Put up a fight you believe to be right
And someday the sun will shine through.

You've always got something to hide
Something you just can't tell
And the only time that you're satisfied
Is with your feet in the wishing well…

Thursday, 2 September 2010

I could changed my world...

"In every real man a child is hidden that wants to play..." - Friedrich Nietzsche

Remember being a kid, when the world was full of possibilities?

I read the long thread of comments on fb and the jokes and some old terms used put a smile on my face. Those were comments from friends of BigV who used to frequent my house and cramped my small room to listen to old records, very long years ago. We would sing while someone strummed my old guitar till dusk. We’ll always sing along with Bee as she has a good voice so that we won’t be noticed to be out of tune.

I remember on weekends, the gang, boys and girls inclusive, used to go camping on the beach of PCB. We use to lie down on the sand at dusk and stare intently at the sky and look for the brightest star. Then we’ll close our eyes tightly and say "Star light, Star bright, the first Star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, Have the wish I wish tonight’. And silently make our wishes. In the middle of the night, we revealed to each other what we wished for and had a good laugh later on.

I always wished for the same thing over and over and never half-heartedly. Then, I believed I could change my world just by making a simple wish...

(1972 - Kijang Camp)

Throw down your hat, kick off your shoes
I know you ain't goin' anywhere
Run 'round the town singin' your blues
I know you ain't goin' anywhere.

You have always been a good friend of mine
but you're always saying farewell
and the only time that you are satisfied
is with your feet in the wishing well...

Cursing in my sleep…

"Life is like a landscape. You live in the midst of it, but can describe it only from the vantage point of distance..." - Charles A. Lindbergh

The weather has been crazily hot.

I will usually sleep as snug as a bug in a rug and only will wake up at the blast of the alarm. But lately I have not been sleeping well. It’s been going on for weeks, I can’t get a decent sleep at all because every time I fall asleep my body will start sweating profusely, and I end up waking up in the middle of the night feeling uncomfortable and soaking wet and I will inevitably be cursing in my sleep.

And most often than not, despite my wet and sticky body, dear hubby will hug me tight and rock me gently back to sleep.

Yang, I think the air-cond is in need of servicing.

(Swimming in my dreams)

My throat is dry
My knees are weak
It's so damned hot
I can't even speak

Walk in my shadow
I can't take it anymore
When I get you in the shadows
I gonna show you what it's for...

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

Our 31st Anniversary...

I'd like to know that his love,
Is love I can be sure of,
So tell me now and I won't ask again,
Will he still love me tomorrow?

I remember today, 31 years ago. It was a new beginning that marked the start of a brave new future filled with all dreams can hold. We were young and innocent. We ignored our conscience and ran full steam ahead down a road that we didn’t know where it was leading to. That day I thought of the future and wished those dreams would come true.

If asked, I would say that a period of 31 years together is a handful of years to live with one man. It isn't easy to explain. It has not been the fairy tale marriage I dreamed it would be, but neither have I burrowed around with the gophers. I suppose it has most resembled the stock exchange, fairly stable, more ups than downs, and gradually trending upward over time. A good story, a lucky one and I've learned that not everyone can say this about their marriages.

But do not be misled. I am nothing special, of this I am sure. I am a common person with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There is no history dedicated to me, and my name will soon be forgotten, but I have loved someone with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough.

And I love him, not for what he is, but for what I am when I am with him.

(2009 - Iftar @ The Legend)

(2010 - Iftar @ The Legend)

As Time Goes By
We are older now but better by far
Who knows how good it can be
Our love still grows like a plant in the sun
Or a wave rising up from the sea.

We laughed before, but we laugh more now.
Life is more fun so it seems.
Days are sunnier, the moon shines brighter;
Our life is the stuff of dreams.

(By Karl Fuchs)
Happy Anniversary, Yang...